Note To Self:

Do not use a flimsy paper towel as a makeshift funnel for pouring cherry koolaid into a water jug.
PS - Also do not pour said cherry (red) koolaid powder into jug via flimsy paper towel funnel over white counters.

Perhaps avoid cherry red koolaid full stop.

(sorry....no pics.)

Personality tests are only worth the paper they are printed on. I think some guy named Carl said that.

Twice now I've taken a Myers-Briggs personality test, most recently here. Twice now I've gotten (almost) the same score: ISFJ (before it was INFJ).

* * * * * * * * * *

· Where you focus your attention

What MB says: Introversion (I) — People who prefer Introversion tend to focus their attention on the inner world of ideas and impressions.

What I say: Basically I'm a selfish bitch who prefers to be in the company of Me. That way I know I won't get annoyed by fuckwits. And I spend most of my time daydreaming about things that will never happen.

· The way you take in information

What MB says: Sensing (S) — Jung saw Introvert/Sensing as something of an oxymoron: sensing, which is a perceiving function, focused inward and thus away from that which is perceived (the "object"). In this light, he described this sensing as something removed from reality, full of archetypes/mythical figures/hobgoblins; sensing of one's own set of forms.

What I say: Who the hell are you calling a moron? And I am completely grounded in reality. I know everything there is to know about Edward Cullen, King Arthur, Harry Potter and Brit Brit.

· The way you make decisions

What MB says: Feeling (F) — People who prefer Feeling tend to make decisions based primarily on values and on subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns.

What I say: I am retarded and listen to my heart instead of my head 9 times out of 10. Basically that means I end up getting screwed by all of the Thinkers out there who see Feeling as a fault and take advantage. Oh, and I can't make a single freaking decision without consulting at least 3 people. Fail.

· How you deal with the outer world

What MB says: Judging (J) — People who prefer Judging tend to like a planned and organized approach to life and prefer to have things settled.

What I say: I have OCD.

* * * * * * * * * *

It seems my personality type (both old and new) is very rare. I think the percentage is something like less than 5% of a typical group of people, smaller in smaller groups. At Ross when we split up based on our first two types (introvert and intuitive) my group totalled 8 out of 120+/- people. I think there was only one other person with my exact INFJ type.

I've always known I'm unique.

The funny thing is FR took this test today and emailed me her results: INFJ. As in, out of 9 students in our class, both of us are the same. Assuming no one else in the group has anything close to us, we have broken through expectations and will be 20% of our group.

I can just see it now: FR and I are going to be these two troublemakers smart chicks who Introvertly claim our seats in the back corner, Intuitively cowering when the prof is getting ready to call on someone, Feeling the need to flee when our name is called, and Judging our sanity in choosing to go to vet school at all when our wish to become immediately invisible is not granted.

Well that last bit is probably more me and my lack of living in reality/belief in hobgoblins.

Whatevs.

This shit's gonna be Super Fun. Bring it on, bitches.

(If you're bored and want to know more about my personality, read on. If not, you suck.)

(I added amusing anecdotes and bolded the points that really don't sound like me at all.)

* * * * * * * * * *

Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others [read: The Servant Leader], their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. [What does the mean exactly?] (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves [oh sure, dump it back on the giver, always their fault]; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). [Okay, this is just freaking scary.] (And as low-profile I's, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic E's.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses. [Holy Shit I think I just peed a little from laughing.]

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories [my ADD gets in the way here] and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees [unless they are Cancers, we tend towards moodiness which trust me can get real old, real quick], but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. [I nearly lost my mind at the shelter. Now we know why.] They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. [I will follow you anywhere J.] Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching [my first major], social work [recommended by my therapist], most religious work [If its good enough for The Bloggess.....], nursing, medicine (general practice only) [Hells yeah!], clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. [Good thing I have no siblings. I'd probably 'remove' their significant others in very creative ways.] When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. [We are so F-ed up.] Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics. [Interesting, I've always thought of myself as the harmless eccentric.] Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones [Insane how true] -- although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure. [Hilarious. And so true.]) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. [Get out of my head.] For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem. [Hahaha. Oh wait....Yeah.]

* * * * * * * * * *

Hmm. Maybe there is something to these tests.

My mom's new name is Captain Obvious.

Went to dinner and a movie tonight with my folks. Yup. Hot date.

At dinner mom was quite the Witty Woman.

After reviewing the menu:
Mom: What's in the 4-Cheese Ravioli?
Me: Well, there's four cheeses. And they are tucked inside ravioli pasta.
Mom: Huh.

In discussing the makings of a True Cosmo:
Dad: A real cosmo has Contreau. It's like $40 a bottle!
Mom: Well, that's something we get in the duty free.
Me: We'll have to remember to grab a bottle when we're on GC.
Mom: And don't forget you have to pack that in your checked bags, you can't bring it on the plane. They don't like that.
Me: Wow. Thank you Captain Obvious.

Did I ever mention my mom's Lent routine? Each year she gives up wine for Lent. Which would be really honorable if A) we attended church and B) she didn't trade up to Manhattans and Cosmos.

The last time I was in a church that didn't involve European sight-seeing or a wedding was when I was seven. Our family are more like invisible silent worshipers. And who drinks Manhattans anymore? Seriously.

We walked into the movie theater behind a blind guy. I just couldn't help but wonder if he shouldn't be offered a 1/2 price ticket.

Yeah, I'm waiting for the lightning strike from above. Daily.

(But since I'm a invisible silent worshipper, does that mean the lightning will be invisible silent? Cause that's kind of a spooky thought.)

In case you were wondering, we saw the movie Duplicity. It was slow moving, similar in style to the Oceans movies, and starred a very handsome guy with a fantastic accent.

Mmmm. I love me some accents.

Anyhow, I got to thinking as I watched this movie that I would make an absolutely awesome terrible spy. For one thing, I simply cannot keep my mouth shut (fired banned from volunteering ring a bell?). And despite my witty banter I'm really not that great at conning people. I don't bluff. And I forget things easily. Between leaving my hotel room and meeting my mark at the bar, I would completely forget my cover and during my escape when I shed my clothing in an effort to change my appearance I would forget my wallet in the jacket and my cell phone in the purse. Cause that's just the sort of dumbass things I do.

So I guess its a good thing I'm not set on being a spy.

Or am I?

How to make free long distance calls and other ideas that (might) land you in jail eventually.

Today dad and I wandered into the Apple store to check out the MacBooks (don't get excited, we were looking for him). While dad was playing with the laptop, trying to get the hang of the awesome fingering abilities (which I sooooo had to hold back a snort when the cute little Apple Dork mentioned the 'fingering abilities'), I picked up the iPhone because I love it's fingering abilities (*snicker*).

All of a sudden I had an intense impulse to test out the phone. Calling St. Kitts. Twenty-five minutes later I got off the phone with SugarBear and an idea was formed. Who needs calling cards and long-distance phone plans when you can just wander into any Apple Store on a Saturday afternoon and make calls at any of their 20 working phones? Considering how busy they are on weekends, you could potentially make a call at the phone near the front of the store and then meander down to the back corner for another call. I'm pretty sure they won't catch on. Just make sure to mix up the days/times you go, since if there are regular calls at 2pm every Saturday to Japan you can bet their will be cops standing at the door eventually.

And I don't think you can call St Kitts as your one phone call in jail. So going there really isn't worth it.

I love the iPhone.

(since my graphics programs are limited [anyone have photoshop for me?] the funny line under "your credit" should read "What the Hell is Credit? It's FREE.)

(seriously? anyone? free photoshop?)

In other news, my family is insane. While I don't actually have confirmation from a shrink, I'm pretty sure its true.

At dinner tonight my dad described someone as my soulmate and I vehemently denied it because to me Soulmate implies love and marriage and making out. And that was not the case with this person. So my mom begins to agree with me about the Soulmate = Romantic Affiliation part and dad starts seriously defending his definition that Soulmate = Person With Whom You Have Strong Affinity (not to be confused with affinity of chemical substances). Mom tells dad to look it up in Websters, the dogs are panicking because they hear yelling but can't stay away because there's food involved, and I'm just sitting there in disbelief at how a simple comment can become a full-fledged battle royale.

Until we find that Soulmate is not in the dictionary. As if it doesn't exist.

Of course, Wikipedia has a very full and diverse definition here. But then they also have an incredibly colorful definiton of the formerly Canadian turned British pop group b4-4 that states (and I'm For Serious here) "the group performed impromptu rimjobs for the CEO of Sony USA" among other interesting tidbits. So can we really rely on Wiki for important information like the definition of Soulmates?

I'm of the mind that they don't exist at all. But then, I'm still in one of those Glass Half Empty of Vodka phases. So perhaps my opinion shouldn't count either.

This is like the best thing in the entire world. True Story.

Note To Self: lay off on the wine until after writing blog entry for the evening. Or at least save as draft until the morning when head is clearer before publishing.

Thoughts. (Someone should really stop me from thinking. Hello? Anyone?)

I've been wondering lately about this disappointment that I can't seem to shake. Perhaps it's not all about the F word (fail) after all. I think I'm also disturbed at the thought that I just couldn't hack it. Seriously.

I once had a boyfriend who told me in the course of a conversation about travels that he just couldn't see my living in a third-world type of environment. I remember this conversation pretty well because of the hugemongous fight that ensued, where I adamantly defended my ability to adjust to any type of environment. I felt that I was open-minded enough, and flexible enough, to handle living anywhere.

But maybe he was right.

I suppose we all have our limits. I used to believe that I was so self-reflective, and that I knew myself so well, that I had complete control over my limits. But in retrospect, none of us can truly know our limits until we're put to the test. And it's not a huge negative that I failed that test. Because at least I tried.

Saskia, I want you to meet Saskia. You two should get along pretty well. Just make sure you both work on your Active Listening Skills - cause your gonna need them.

Some Pearls of Fun from my Little Charges this evening...

Tonight I babysat for a close friend. I won't get into the details of the evening, I will just leave you with the highlights (which I surreptitiously wrote down on any available scrap of paper so I could recant them later...):

Kasey, regarding a boy at school: "...and then Chris flirted with Shannon....he's 12!....I mean, he's sooooo desperate."

Shannon, when asked why she won't be watching the Super Bowl: "I mean, all the boys are doing is taking the ball and throwing it and then catching it and calling that a touchdown. LAME (pronounced LAH-AIM)."

Kasey, to me, not sure where this came from: "How OLD are you? You act like a teenager." Me: "No I don't." Kasey: "Yeah. You do. I should know. I hang out with them."

I tell you, I don't want babies. I want these girls. The things that come out of their mouths, simply fascinating. And they were 150% better behaved at dinner than any other child, including the 2 year-old still occupying a high chair and vocalizing wildly at the highest decibel imaginable his indignation at being held prisoner. Can't I just skip to the fun part?

Failure. Rejection. Loss. Sadness. Terrible Emptiness.

Okay, enough about that stuff.

It’s been just about a month since my last entry. I’ve caught nothing but crap from people for not writing. I’m sorry for the delay, but for the first time in almost a year I really couldn’t think of anything to say.

Most of you know the details of the last month, so I won’t dwell on that. For those of you in the dark suffice it to say I am now back at home for a brief hiatus until my next adventure. I’m not going back to St. Kitts (at least not as a student) and I am not sure what the future holds for me.

I love encountering forks in the road. They can be very daunting, scary even. But it’s all in how you choose to see them. At first, I admit, I was terrified. Still am, quite frankly. It’s not every day when your world seems to crumble around you. I could sit and cry and scream and stomp my feet, but that wouldn’t be very effective long term. Plus it just makes me look like a sissy.

Instead, I choose Vodka Faith. Hope. Determination. And wine. Lots and lots of wine.

To my friends across the ocean, I miss you all terribly. You meant more to me than I can ever say in words. Thank you for all of the love and support you showed me, not only recently but since I first stepped foot on that rock. I cannot imagine a world without each and every one of you in it. Take advantage of every opportunity you have there to get to know yourselves and each other better. You aren’t just in vet school; you are in a major transitionary period in your lives. You will only get out of it what you put in.

Ron: feel free to leave as many mocking comments as you like. I’m rubber, and you’re glue…etc. etc. You know how I feel: Hate. Hurry home...my folks do not appreciate my 'singing' in the car nearly as much as you did. PS – how’s my pillow? Snuggling with my blankey I hope.

Jen: you have a focus and determination I can only hope for. I am so glad I got to know your “gang”; makes it easier to know I’ve left you with some fantastic friends. I’m so sorry I’m not there with you, but I promise I will survive. WE will survive.

Firsties (now secondies, not nearly the same ring though): take care of my Jen. She may not go out as often as you kids, but she’s a fierce friend who would put a spoon in someone’s eye if they hurt you. And take care of yourselves, because each and every one of you have some fantastic qualities and will make such unique and awesome vets.

Karen: keep drinking those beers. They’re cheaper and will put hair on your chest. Or something like that. And work on your classic movies. Everyone needs a well-rounded, if not completely unrealistic, romantic view of life. On that note, stay away from boys. They only bring heartache and distraction. Even the cute ones.

Amber: keep smiling and mass texting. You are and always will be my hero. And yes, I believe you tie Kristilee for Best Hugs. Has to be a tie, because I’m pretty sure Klee could kick my ass. I fully expect to receive a hug and brownies every break.

Anna: I will make it to Vermont one day, I swear. And I promise I will even try snowboarding, despite my fear of broken bones and looking ridiculous in oversized goggles. Give Skyla some love for me (just not on her Ringworm spots). And take care of my beautiful Kate and Meg. They have no idea how much I envied them from afar as well.

Vanessa: I have never known anyone like you. Please don’t ever change. I will always think of you when drinking Shiraz (which isn’t half bad, actually) or hanging out in Ikea. OR drinking Shiraz while hanging out in Ikea.

Rachel: wear that dress with pride, it looks good on you. I cannot wait until we meet again unleashed on the streets of NYC. I've got some bar hookups with eye candy bartenders if you're interested. What am I saying...of course you are. Take care of the Marriott for me, I don't want her to get lonely.

Arvind: what can I say about my dearest? Life just gets in the way sometimes. I cannot imagine dancing with anyone else ever again. Please finish the pages, there is something in you that should absolutely be shared with the world. Do not hesitate to live (like you need to be told that) and please stay in touch. I want to know where life takes you.

Kristin: do not let a little speed bump get you down. You are known as the laugher, the giggler, and you bring happiness into people's lives. Don't forget that, despite what some people (and by people, I mean jackasses of the sort you and I are familiar with) may say. Smile in the face of adversity, it tends to confuse him.

Cristin: you have a determination that I admire greatly. Seeing you and Jim together makes me smile even now. Take care of Princess White Heat/Suzy/Piece-of-Crap, she means well even when she doesn't show it.

Kristilee: Ah, the Best for last. I’m so very sorry for letting you down. I can’t believe I won’t get to see you every day for the next two years. Don’t for a second think you have lost me…I’m like a cestode who just hangs on forever. We will be together again; I will listen to your advice unequivocally from now on; and I will follow my heart in this next adventure…promise.

To all who were not mentioned here personally…don’t be hatin. Trust me, this was hard enough to write as it is. And there’s love enough to go around.

On! On! To another damn Personal Statement. Yuck. Think I can just submit my Blog?

Sigh. I do miss those stars.

The stoics considered passionate emotions to be the result of errors in judgment, and that a sage, or person of "moral and intellectual perfection," would not have such emotions.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Today we salute you Mr. Stressed Out Vet Student.

Hee hee. One of my classmates posted this on Facebook and I just had to share with those of you back home. Quite cute....but more so scarily true.

From Meg:

Today we salute you Mr. Stressed Out Vet Student during finals week. As you sit in your lonely cubicle in the library, doped up on Red Bull and adderall, you think to yourself, will I ever really to need to know this stuff in real life? The distractions are tempting and you have just diagnosed yourself with ADD, advanced delusional schizophrenia ... read more and involuntary narcissistic rage. By now you know exactly what everyone else is doing because you have checked your Facebook 800 times. Break is just days away, and your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold Carib you Academic Warrior, because you’ll be spending break in Rehab.

Swift Kick in the Rump.

Recently I was reminded of what it is like to have someone do something for you. Not like when you ask someone to do you a favor, or when it's a special anniversary. No, I mean something sweet and thoughtful and competely and utterly unexpected.

I won't go into details. I don't need to. But I will suggest....nay, demand...that all of you out there, every single last one of you (that means you, mom and dad...and Joanne), take a few minutes after reading this post and think of someone in your life that maybe you have overlooked recently for some reason or another. Now I want you to think about what you can do right now to show them you care. I know it sounds cheeky, but really you have NO idea what is going on in that person's life and your bit of kindness could come at the absolute perfect time. And what do you have to lose?

Yeah, this is corny. I admit it. Just do it anyway. Get over yourself! ;)

Shoe Box Life.

Sometimes when the moon is big and bright and the clouds are low and full I look around and get the feeling that I'm just this little plastic figurine within a colorful diorama sitting on the shelf in some twelve-year-old girl's room. And maybe one day, perhaps when she goes on to high school and turns her interests in other directions, that little girl is going to tire of this silly childhood dream and toss it in the garbage.

Which is disheartening, really, because I kind of like it here.

The Moon was Huge Tonight.

I know, I know. That's what she said.

But really now.

It was absolutely gorgeous. So impressive that I was inspired to drive past my road, into town, and around the roundabout just so I could drive back with the moon filling the sky in front of me.
Trust me - those of you who are trying telepathically to yell at me about driving through town at 2 am alone because it is dangerous are so wrong - it was far more dangerous to drive forward while staring backwards. Yes, it was just that beautiful.

Be happy I didn't try to take a picture while driving.

Tonight was filled with philosophical conversations for me (with a little Immunology thrown in for shits & giggles). I'm not sure if I'm just too introspective right now, and am therefore expecting that of others. But it seems the people around me are seriously resistant to the idea of looking inside. How can we expect to build our lives, relationships, dreams if we have no idea who we are inside? If we're afraid to find out?

I've recently reconnected with a number of old friends from years past. The memories have made me quite nostalgic for the days when things were simple and happy and secure. A part of me would love to go back to sixteen years old: getting my license (ah, freedom), going to the prom (I had the best dress that year), looking forward to becoming a senior (and therefore invincible). But geez, I was so retarded in those days. I had absolutely no clue what possibilities were out there for me. If I had it to do again, the absolutely one thing I would change is to take more advantage of the opportunities that knocked. I missed out on a lot of possibilities due to fear and the fact that my priorities were so screwed up back then.

Perhaps one day soon I'll crawl out of my head and be content with the person I've become. Perhaps not. Stay tuned.

Horizons.

I knew when I came on this crazy adventure that I would encounter many obstacles, many new changes, many new people. But I guess I never truly realized how much I would learn about myself. I mean, here I am, a 30 year old…woman? (gasp)…and for as much as I analyze my life (it’s a disease I tell you), I don’t think I ever truly got to know…me.

The last few weeks have been a serious trial for me. Those of you reading along are probably well aware of the emotional toll. But all life experiences are given to us for a reason. You can choose to hide away (trust me, that was an appealing option) and ignore the reason or you can chose to learn and grow. It’s very tempting to just move through life without feeling or caring about anything. I could probably become a very successful person if I stopped worrying about everyone else in my life. But then I wouldn’t be me.

I’m starting to find myself, which is completely and utterly terrifying and yet fantastically exciting. I’m learning that I can’t keep trying to depend only on myself, that I need people in my life to keep me afloat. My friends and family are there for me, just like I am there for them. Laying my problems on them is not a burden. People actually seem happy when I go to them for help. People don’t lose faith in you just because you lose faith in yourself. The good ones help you find it again.

I’m starting to see a deeper spiritual side to life. There is so much beauty in the world that we take for granted, so much around us to appreciate. It’s really hard to maintain a negative attitude when you see this in the morning:

Kristin snapped this from our porch the morning of a physio exam

I have to believe there is a reason; there is meaning to my being here. The people I encounter on my path, I touch their lives for a reason as much as they touch mine. I want to be the best person I can be, I want to be remembered fondly when I am gone.

I’ve become obsessed with the night sky. In the States, there are so many lights at night I rarely see more than a handful of stars. I never understood the meaning of “a blanket of stars” until living here. It’s amazing. The night sky is inky black and there are billions of stars of all sizes literally blanketing the sky. During my particularly bad weeks, I took to going outside and just standing there, getting lost in those stars. The Little Dipper in particular is of comfort, not sure why. I know it sounds stupid, but when I was a kid that was my favorite constellation. And it was so rare to find it in Tampa. But in these last few weeks that constellation has been front and center every night. Even when it’s cloudy, I look up and it’s there poking through a hole in the clouds. I like to think that it knows I need comfort, so it makes itself available as often as possible so that no matter what when I look in the sky it is there just for me.

I have a deeper appreciation for family. My parents have been by my side every step in my life. My first time away at camp, as a gawky little 12 year old, and my mother was there making my bed (you should always make your bed before you do anything else, that’s her motto). My first big dance, dad redressed my boyfriend so I wouldn’t look overdressed next to him. And while that mortified me at the time, I think both Benji and I look back at that night with fondness. My first car accident, a terrifying experience, and my dad was there front and center taking charge – despite the shock that he must have felt seeing the damage. My first day at college, again my mother immediately makes my bed. I know it sounds silly, but she is completely right – if everything else in your life is in turmoil, at least you have a nice clean bed to sleep in. Perhaps that’s why when I visit people’s rooms here, I immediately start to smooth the covers and fluff the pillows. Those first few months after I graduated college and moved back to Tampa, when I had no job and no friends and I was in a really low place, my parents were there every night calling and feeding me and taking me out. My dad was there with the perfect words when I got fired from my first major job. Both of them supported me when I decided to change careers, and then when I decided to go back to school. And when I was frustrated with the application process for vet school, neither of them let me quit. When I presented them with the idea of going off to a vet school outside the US, I think they were both equally excited and saddened. And days before I left (probably because she couldn’t make my bed when I got there) my mother was with me, packing my bags like a professional traveler. I didn’t cry when I left, or in the months thereafter. But every day that I am not with them my heart breaks a little. Every time I experience something new, every time I learn something new, I turn to look for them so I can share. And every time I remember that they aren’t nearby.

Everyone who knows me knows my [current] views on children. They terrify me, every aspect of them. They are a blank slate that can be molded into anything, do the wrong thing and they are scarred for life. And while I have been adamant in the past that no wriggly little parasitic baby will be coming out of this uterus, I have to say the clock has been ticking for longer than I care to admit. So if, one day when hell has frozen over and bacon is flying, I do have a child...I hope to God and all that is holy in this world that I am half the parent my folks were for me. Because if I am, that child will probably turn out pretty decent.

I hope everyone in my life is lucky enough to find themselves. It’s scary and sad and wonderful and amazing all rolled up into one emotional bundle. And most of all: it’s a brand new beginning. There’s a whole world out there waiting for me. So many opportunities and people and experiences and challenges. Some good, some bad, some both. But all worth it in the end.

“It’ll be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end.”

Fear is not the King of Me.

I have found a new love. And they are called Cables. I have been knitting for years now, and have put off trying to make cables for fear that they were just too hard. I finally made myself learn by deciding to knit one of my favorite profs a goodbye gift from our lab group. [He will be leaving at the end of this semester and moving to Toronto. From St. Kitts to Toronto. Seriously.] How stupid do I feel now that I know how simple they are?! And how happy am I to have finally decided to try?! I seriously think everything I knit from now on will have cables.

My first Cables. Just a learning swatch. Not the real deal for Dr. Danny. His head is way bigger.

My nest of knitting madness on Jen's bed. Where I have AC and lights. Note Jen's Physio notebook to the bottom right corner. Good girl, Jen.

It's funny how people allow fear to control their lives. Most of us do not like to admit that simple fact, or pretend it's not the case. And for the most part, the things we fear often become something wonderful in the end - if/when we are able to take that first step. For example, moving out to a foreign country where electricity is an intermittant luxery, there is no McDonalds, and mosquitoes are more than just an annoyance (they are a serious vector for disease - 3 students now have The Dengue...but I digress) was a HUGE step in my life. Many people in my life will never know how much fear I had to quash in order to take that step. You can't even understand how many times I turned around and looked back towards home; had to force myself to turn back and look forward.

But here I am, in a beautiful country surrounded by amazing people who (for the most part, previous blog entry notwithstanding) have the same goals and aspirations as I do, who make me feel like this is my home away from home. Despite the fear and anxiety I am pursuing my goals, experiencing successes each day (no matter how large or small, they are still successes!), and am learning new and more exciting things all the time (Cables!).

I am blessed. Fear 0, Saskia 1. Actually, 2. Cables are awesome.